One of my favorite meals when I’m drinking is bottomless brunch. This is the concept of being able to order unlimited mimosas while enjoying your brunch.
Last weekend, my roommate had some friends from college in town, and graciously asked me to join them for a bottomless brunch. This brunch not only offered unlimited drinks, but also plates, so I figured I loosened my belt a little, I would surely get my money’s worth.
I ate. And ate. And ate. The girls ordered drink after drink. Our generous waiter made the rounds with a giant carafe of mimosas, topping off drinks along the way.
I managed to stay sober, and when brunch ended at 2:00, we were sent out into the street cackling.
About two blocks from home, we came across a man and woman sitting on a couch on a busy corner. The man was drinking a diet coke, and the woman was on her iPad. They had a dog on a leash between them. The closer we got, we noticed a sign.
"Is this couch really free?!" my roommate asked. Her outgoing personality and ability to make conversation with complete strangers usually invites adventure into our lives.
"Yes, completely free. You just have to move it," the woman said.
My roommate and the other girls couldn’t believe their luck. They took turns sitting on it and petting the dog. It was becoming more apparent this couch would be coming home with us.
"Let me talk to my roommate about this. She’s the one with design skills." My roommate turned her back to the couple and the couch, and whispered, “Do you want this couch?"
Yes. It’s a nice couch. Let’s take it.
I was feeling adventurous. I mean, this was pretty great luck. The couch was a little faded, but overall good shape. Again, I promise I hadn’t been drinking.
"Are you sure?"
Ask them if anyone has peed on it.
My roommate turns to the couple and asks, “has anyone peed on it?”
"No," they said in unison.
She turns back to me, “They said ‘no.’
Ask them if anyone has died on it.
"Has anyone died on it?"
"They said no."
She then pauses and turns back to the couple. “Has anyone had sex on it?”
"Yes!" said the man. The girls started laughing.
"We’ll take it!" my roommate declared.
I tell my roommate I’ll go rent a zip truck and pick it up, since I was the only sober one. ”Oh right,” she said, “I forgot about that.”
Moments later, I found myself behind the wheel of an oversized utility van. It amazes me they let normal people with normal licenses drive things that big. Especially people like myself who don’t own cars, and only have the opportunity to drive every 6 months or so. There was nothing to see in the rear view mirror, since there were no windows in the back Negotiating a turn took careful precision. I didn’t dare take the thing over 20 miles per hour. Every time I passed a biker, my heart rate quickened. Please don’t let me hit them.
The drunk girls I’d left behind had become fast friends with the owners of the couch, even heading up to their apartment to use their bathroom. They loaded the couch into the back, and I started inching towards the back alley of our apartment, planning to somehow maneuver it up the fire escape, as I’d seen the professional movers I’d hired months back move my own couch into the space.
After unloading the couch from the van, it became clear we weren’t going to be able to move the couch up the stairs, and my roommate said the solution would be to have male friends come help us later on. We moved the couch out of the way of alley traffic, and I drove the van back to the lot.
When I got home, my roommate was sitting on our current couch. ”I’m not sure we should keep that couch. What do you think?”
I don’t know. We can think about it. It was free either way. Let’s leave it at the bottom of the fire escape and think about it. As long as it doesn’t rain, we’ll be fine.
Later that evening, it poured. The next day we dragged the couch out of the alley to the main road and left a sign on it.